Life happens and I abandoned my blog quite a while ago. I loved blogging about our family but I found myself stretched thin and exhausted all the time. I feel like as a mom and wife its easy to put yourself, your interests and your happiness on the back burner. Over the years I’ve lost more and more of me. I spend my days dedicated to taking care of my family. You name it and I do it. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, shopping, paying the bills, managing doctor appointments, therapy sessions, transportation to and from for our younger kids, and the list could go on.
Don’t get me wrong I love being a mom and wife but I’ve lost myself in the midst of taking care of everyone else. I actually believed that it was necessary for me to let go of me and only focus on them. I had drifted away from the person I once was. I was still wearing a smile on my face and getting everything done but inside I felt a little lost. Despite feeling sad and alone, I refused to talk about it. Primarily because I knew I had so much to be thankful for. I kept telling myself, “you have no real reason to be unhappy”. I wasn’t sure what I needed to do to fix it but I didn’t want to let anyone know that I was feeling this was. I put other people’s happiness before mine.
So…Not only did I feel unhappy but I began to doubt myself. I had reached the point that I wasn’t happy with some of my friendships as well. In not so many words, I broke away from some close friendships just because I didn’t know how to express how bad they were making me feel about myself… I will admit that running away from an issue isn’t the answer but I was not where I am today. I know that the “right” thing to do would have been expressing how I felt. Literally I should have said “I feel like I’m in a Mean Girls movie and not one of the mean girls.” Ha! I felt like they didn’t value my opinion as much as I valued theirs. That I was willing to go out of my way but others weren’t willing to do that for me. I was reverting back to those teenage years where you worry about silly things. I was worrying about how people viewed me. I began questioning everything about myself. Was I not cool enough? Why weren’t we included? Is it because they don’t think we’re fun? Did my kids bother our friends? I seriously was a 35 year old woman…. Married… with a career and three children… and I was still consumed with those questions. But something changed. I can’t tell you the exact event that caused me to hit that point but I do remember that moment that I decided I wasn’t going to be unhappy anymore. I literally said out loud, “I am too old for this shit. I’m tired of being fake and putting me last.” One way or another I will be a person who is happy on the inside not just the outside.
I gave myself a few quotes to use as my daily reminders that I was working towards being a happier me.
“In the end I am the only one who can give my children a happy mother who loves life.”
“Sometimes the people around you won’t understand your journey. That’s okay. They don’t need to because it’s not for them.”
“Find Joy in the Journey.”
“Let your past make you better not bitter.”
“Stop doubting yourself for everything that you aren’t and start loving yourself for everything you already are.”
My own individual pursuit of happiness. I started with self reflection, acknowledgement and eventually transformation. I’ve had to make many changes and some were easier than others. Letting go of anything in my life that wasn’t uplifting. Letting go of negative thoughts and energy. Finding a healthy balance of taking care of my people but also taking care of me. Learning to not care what other people think. Making time for myself. I did what I needed to do to start my journey to be a happier me. I am still finding my way but continually making progress. I’m in a good place and finding my balance.
I’m ready to start blogging again and I have so much to write about. So much has happened over the past 2 years I’m not sure where to start to catch up.