Throwing Stones at Our Own

I came across a post on the Curve Magazine Facebook page of a young couple holding a fundraiser to help them pay for their baby making process. This is a young couple that lives in Denver, CO and from what I gathered they are photographers. They are offering “perks” for donations and are trying to raise $6,500. I smiled when I saw this thinking to myself…”This is pretty clever. We should have thought of a fundraiser!” Then I started slowly scrolling through the comments and was shocked and saddened by what I read… “If they want a baby shouldn’t they be able to afford one on their own? Just my opinion”, “Wait till you have to pay childcare, ladies. If you can’t afford a baby now, the cost of raising one is really going to shock you.”, “If you can’t afford to make it you probably can’t afford to support it.”, “I find this to be an odd way to have a child….children are expensive if you can’t afford to produce one how can you afford to raise one?”, “even though I already commented I just had to come back to say that NO ONE should give money to this..stop the madness!!!”… Now, I remind you that these are all other lesbians. So just because this couple decided to seek help in raising the money for their attempts we should assume that they can’t afford to raise a child or deserve one?!? Wow! What is wrong with our community AND When did we become so hateful to each other? Is it just me or do you not feel that we as lesbians need to be supportive of each other in our efforts to start families. Now of course I don’t expect everyone to donate money to their cause but at least support the fact that a loving couple is excited to start their own family and wish them well. These people with the negative comments are acting like because they are holding this fundraiser that they are saying they can’t afford a child. They’re NOT asking for help in raising their child, they’re simply creating a fundraiser to help with their attempts to get pregnant. I’ve known more than one straight couple that has held a fundraiser to help with the expenses of adoption and no one throws stones at them. No one assumes that they don’t have the money to pay for the child once its theirs. Why are we throwing stones at our own?

Raising a baby is not ALL about money. Yes, children cost money (I know. I have two of them.) but they aren’t as crazy expensive as everyone’s comments are making them out to be. You can find ways to save money and afford the essentials. Most of all a baby needs love, attention, stability and I’m sure this couple can handle that.

We have a whole new generation of LGBT who see that we deserve to have families just like straight couples! Twenty years ago most gay and lesbian couples never even thought of trying to have children…now its 2013 and we live in a whole new world of access and availability to try to start families. Straight couples can get pregnant without a penny spent. They have an unlimited supply of sperm and can try whenever they want to. And I would dare say that many of them aren’t financially prepared. I would like to see how many capable straight couples would be getting pregnant if they had to come up with $1000 a month to try!

I am so disappointed in the reactions that these girls received. Most of you know how costly it is to make a baby in our world. Most of you saved up for months and maybe years to do so. I know Les and I had to stop trying at one point because we ran out of money. What is so wrong with this couple just asking for help?!? If a stranger wants and can afford to donate to their cause then good for them! Some may think it’s odd or weird but who cares! Don’t give if you don’t want to give. Scroll past if you don’t support them but why send out these nasty messages to them. What ever happened to…”If you can’t say something nice then don’t say anything at all.” ?

We live in a world with so much hate directed at the LGBT community. We are battling daily for equality. We long for the day that our marriages are recognized and we are seen as equal. We want to put a stop to the hate that we face but yet we are turning on our own people!

“You must BE the change that you want to see in the World!”- Gandhi

Here is a link to Jennie and Heather’s Fundraiser if you’d like to take a peek… http://igg.me/at/babycrate/x/2660086

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18 thoughts on “Throwing Stones at Our Own

  1. I am torn on how to feel about this…. I want to agree with you wholeheartedly but I also want to hope they have thought out the financial obligations of being a parent. I commend people like you and your partner who wait until they are ready to make it happen. I only fear that others don’t have that sense of responsibility.

    • I agree with you in hoping they have thought through the financial obligations. But at the same time I can tell you that my wife and I aren’t exactly rolling in money. We make it work though. You learn how to be conservative and resourceful.

    • The problem with ‘waiting to be financially stable’ doesn’t mean they aren’t stable enough to care for a child, it just means they may not be able to gather enough money to try. That’s the issue. My partner and I were more than financially ready to support a child and we do pretty well with the kiddo we have, but trying with IVF and fertility treatments were well beyond our scope of financial money. We never would have $1000 in one shot to even attempt to make it happen, but we are more than capable to providing for our child now that we have her.

      • I agree 100%! Having enough money to buy the baby basics…diapers, clothes, possibly formula is a lot different than having $1000 a month to try to make a baby.

  2. I agree with you whole heartedly and I am straight. Straight couples who have to undergo fertility treatment or who want to adopt frequently get financial support from friends and family because the upfront financial layout is so high. And you could draw comparisons with home ownership which also has high costs up front. It is quite common for parents to help their children with a deposit so that they can get a mortgage which the young couple can afford. Should you not go to college or graduate school if you can’t pay cash up front? Home ownership, education and parenthood should not be the privilege of the wealthy. I applaud this couple for thinking of creative ways to avoid debt. If you don’t think it is a worthy cause don’t donate. I hope it works out for them and they get to experience the wild ride of motherhood.

    • Thanks Katie for those examples. I have a cousin adopted two girls from China and both times they held fundrasiers to help with costs…I had forgetten about that until you brought this up. The night that I read all the negative reactions I was all worked up. I agree that they should be applauded not discouraged.

  3. This is so sad to me! I am compelled to send them money just because of all the negative feedback they are receiving. Because of the way we conceived our daughter, because we couldn’t ever have dreamed of affording IVF or Fertility treatments, I never had to worry about the cost of making a baby. I can’t imagine the stress, but I can imagine doing what you need and have to do to have that special kid in your life that you have dreamed of. We all do things we may not like to do and I am sure this couple doesn’t want to ask for help. The negativity is overwhelming and it makes me sad for the state our community is in if we throw stones at people who just want something everyone deserves to have without the stress of money.

  4. Thank you so much for your well wishes. We also saw all of the negative comments and were hurt that our own community would react in such a way. One of my best friends lives in Nashville! We are enjoying reading through your blog. My wife Jennie will most definitely be blogging our baby making adventure 🙂

    • You are so welcome! Keep your head up and know that you do have supporters!

      Nashville is a great city we love it here. I would say who’s your friend but the city is a little big for that. Ha! : ) Well I’m glad you are enjoying reading my blog…I look forward to following your story! Let me know when Jennie gets the blog up and running!

  5. Excellent words. If you are LGBT people, does not mean that you’re an open mind or heart. People are people, regardless of sexual orientation. Some people do make a good living, positive, compassionate, and some people see only black everywhere. Those who we are.

    • Thank you. I guess I was naive enough to assume that we were better…but another lesson learned. I’m just glad I’m not one of the ones who sees black everywhere.

  6. Thank you for the support of my best friends!!! I appreciate the Nashville community backing them up. Trust me they can afford the baby costs when little crate gets here but if any of you think you have an extra $1000 a month lying around you’re crazy. Double standards make me sad.

    • You are very welcome! The whole situation just bothered me. I still don’t understand why people are so hateful…guess I’ll never figure that one out.

  7. Wow. There are a lot of angry people posting. How can you work up such resentment for a couple you probably don’t even know who are imply trying to create a family.

  8. My partner and I are currently ttc. We live in Oklahoma (bible belt) and people are as supportive as you’d expect here. I just want to point out, there really are a lot of ways to support and raise your children. My mother, a single parent, raised 3 kids on $100 a week for over 6 years. Its possible. We just don’t spoil kids. 🙂 If you spoil them then you may as well have something equivilant to a college fund to throw away on unnecessary stuff… Just saying…

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