I’m sorry that I have been absent and neglected to write for a while. I guess you could say that it was a tough weekend. I started not feeling well last Thursday and had to suffer through a 12 hour shift at work that night. While I was at work Les and I had a conversation on the phone she began to google all of my “symptoms” asking me dozens of questions about how I was feeling and if I had experienced this or that. By the end of it she had herself and pretty much me too that it was looking really good and I just had to be pregnant.
So she stops that morning on her way home from work and excitedly buys, one of the over priced tell you 6 days before your period, Preggers Tests. I open the test, dip the stick and then wait the whole 5 mins until its says it should be ready. I tried not to even look at the stick until it was time because if it was positive I wanted to be surprised. Well Times Up…and No…not Positive. Not even a hint of 2 lines. An absolute negative. I have to admit I was sad but I also thought that I may still have a chance because I hadn’t started my period yet and tests have been known to be wrong…. so I lay down to sleep that morning trying not to give up all hope.
When I woke up later in the day there it was…no more hope. I, the one who swore my hopes would not be up, sat in the bathroom with tears streaming down my face. I felt hopeless, heartbroken and totally deflated. I felt like I was letting Les down. Then I started to doubt myself and doubt my body, my fertility.
I knew that I had to tell Les and I knew that she would be sad too which didn’t make me feel any better considering she was so hopeful. I believe that this is just as much her process as it is mine and if she wants to be hopeful and excited she can be. And when I told her she was disappointed but she was sweet and felt bad that she had gotten my hopes up. (So take note: Don’t Google Everything) I just want to know what are we doing wrong? What could we do differently? We changed the timing up and took the clomid? It is just crazy how EVERYTHING has to line up just right in order for it to happen and regardless of how OCD I am not in control of all the ducks in the line. Frustrated and worried that it may not happen. We have one more try left and then we have to wait for a while. We’ll wait at least three months because if not and we ended up preggers then that would put us having a baby right in the middle of us moving next year. Another reason we have to wait is because we will need to save up more $money$ in order to start trying again. So another long wait if it doesn’t work with our 3rd and final try. No worries. No more pity party. I know if it is meant to be it will happen and if it doesn’t happen now it will eventually.