Nothing in this process can shock me anymore. I have to write about our latest interesting experience. I know that I informed most of you of the search for the donor…talked about how we narrowed down to 4 then 3 then picked the winner “Tall guy w/ good teeth”! We were so excited to finally have, after much deliberation, decided on our “baby daddy”! Talk about a huge weight lifted! Well most of you should know what comes next…Oh you don’t know…No worries I’ll fill you in.
You’d think this could work just like any other on-line order right? I mean you can buy anything on-line…clothes, cars, animals, food, drugs, honestly this list could go forever but let me inform you that you can not, I repeat NOT buy this sperm on-line. Well from a cryobank anyway. You have to call and actually speak to a representative to purchase Jiz…yes you want to talk about feeling awkward! Imagine this, “Hello. Can I help you? Yes you can. I’d like to buy some Jiz please.” Now having never gone through this before I must say I didn’t know how I felt about this at first. But put my big girl panties on and picked up the phone to call. The first attempt we called at 5 pm and they were already closed. I mean Hello who these days does not have 24 hour service by phone? Xytex, that is who. Now we try again and this time I am on top of it. I sit down at 4pm with all my information and I am ready to do business. I call the number and what the heck?!? They are closed again! That’s when I noticed that I failed to realize they said they were open til 5pm EASTERN Time…I mean talking about feeling like a dumbass!
For our third attempt to make contact we were taking no chances on calling after they were closed this time…we were prepared for the time change thing. Which in reality means we called like 30 mins before they closed. Ha! So anyway, my heart is racing as I’m dialing the number, Leslie is next to me listening in on the call & being my cheerleader and I’m just praying that whoever picks up on the other end doesn’t think I sound like an idiot. Well let me tell you none other than, my now dear friend, Lois answers our call. She is one of the sweetest women I have ever talked to. Just precious. She didn’t act like she thought I was crazy when I said I’m calling to order some vials of Jiz but I really didn’t say Jiz to her just so you know. She said, “Great! Let me get some information from you first.” She took all of my info and then she says “Alright now what is the donor’s number that you have chosen?” I proudly tell her Tall guy w/ the good teeth’s number….she pauses then says he has vials available but he only has unwashed jiz. I responded with oh well we need washed units so “Can y’all just wash them?”. (*Side note: we need washed jiz because we are doing an intrauterine insemination and unwashed jiz is only for an at- home insemination and I already told you all how we felt about that.*) And she responds with “I’m sorry but no, we can’t.”
Holy Crap! Really?!?! I mean seriouslly…all that time and stress picking “Tall guy w/ the good teeth” and you want to tell me he’s NOT THE WINNER anymore! Talk about a let down… Thanks for busting our bubble Lois! But I had to forgive her quickly and try to move on in our ordering experience I wasnt going to give up yet.
She asks if we have a Plan B…and oh wait, yes we do!!! Forgot about that…thank God!!! We have Smart Guy! We then tell her smart guy’s number and she says to us okay he does have units there but they are in Quarantine and wont be ready for a while. Ummmm…What in the hell?!? I said, “I’m sorry but why are his units in Quarantine?!” We were both thinking holy crap he is infected with something AWFUL if his Jiz has to be QUARANTINED!!! Then to our relief she proceeds to informed us that ALL the units go into quarantine right after they are received….well that’s the first bit of good news we’ve received! But another let down comes when she says that because his units are in Quarantine they will not be ready for another week or maybe longer. We are not waiting weeks! We ready to buy TODAY!!! I mean come on Lois!!! You’re killing me!!!
Leslie says to me right before my breaking point hits…”Its okay honey, what about Scruffy? Lets just use him. Check and see if he is available?” So to Lois’s surprise we tell her that we have a third guy. She then tells us that we are the first couple she’s ever talked to that was that prepared! Score one for us being so fabulous! Turns out that Scruffy has vials available! They are washed! And there are lots of them available! Woooo Hoooo! I say okay great we’ll take them! She takes our payment info and then reconfirmed the whole order and that was it we were done! We thank our new friend Lois and say goodbye. Wow! We had actually done it! After talking about this for so long we had actually done it!
We sat there on the couch and just took a deep breath. Then said to each other…we need to go back and look at Scruffy because we hadn’t looked at his info in weeks. He was on the bottom of our list, so we literally just forgot about him. What if we just made a big mistake? How could we look at our child years down the road and think “Man, I wish I’d taken another look at your father’s profile!! Damn!” Ha! We begin to look at his pictures and profile and remember him well. Then as I’m almost ready to close the computer Leslie says, “Maybe we should take one more quick look at our options”. I agree and here we go moving through a broad search with lightning speed! We come across “Hot Guy” (*Remember in our selection process we let him go…Leslie thought he looked too much like a jock not sure if I shared that bit or not*). We look back over his profile and realize that neither of us ever read his personal essay. After we both read it, I turn to look at her and Holy Crap! We both have tears welling up in our eyes!!!! He is so perfect!!! And hell, he wasn’t named Hot Guy for no reason! I frantically pick up the phone (because at this point it is less than 5 mins till they close and pray #1 that they answer and #2 that they will let us change our order! To my amazement they pick up and guess who answered our call? None other than LOIS!!! Yay!!! Lois remembers us and I ask if we can quickly change our donor if he has units available? She says absolutely she hadn’t sent off our order yet! She looks up Hot Guys info and yep he was a match! Oh yes people…the stars aligned for us! We said we’ll take ’em! With that 0ur order is changed and we bid sweet Lois a fond farewell.
Our Jiz purchasing experience is now complete…Hallujah! That was without a doubt the craziest 30 mins of my life! So now you can’t shake me…I know we are ready for the next insane experience that this journey can throw at us…Bring it!